Are You in a Co-dependent Relationship With your Family Members

Think of a situation where you have a girlfriend. She has education but won't find a job. Is always quarelling with you about everything, expects you to foot all bills and tolerate her emotional meltdowns. Maybe she even has a drinking problem, and you're the one that picks her up when she blacks out in parties with her gals.

or

You have brothers and sisters of sound physical and mental health, reasonable education, but won't go out there and work for their future. So you're the one supporting the home as the hardworking sibling-and even living with them. You even have loans to show for it.

And so everyone keeps telling you:

-Aki si you're a caring boyfriend-in the first case.

-Aki si you are a kind soul, so generous, God will keep blessing you-for the second case.

....

But is this really true, are these balanced/ healthy relationships?

NO:

The truth is that you are co-dependent. You have tied your self worth to being needed by these dysfunctional people. And you are not helping them, in fact, you are disabling them so that they can keep needing you and you can reinforce your sense of importance.

(This is a subconscious pattern, not a deliberate choice)

Co-dependency Definition:

Imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

This messed up setup is so prevalent in African homes that we need a national dialogue about it:

1. We all have a sibling who fathers or mothers everyone-and the parents love this sibling for enabling everyone else to continue with their victimhood and disability.

2. We all know of a wife that houses an abusive and toxic man. Even cleans his pee and vomit when he comes home inebriated. They enjoy being needed and also, the benefit title of so and so's wife.

3. Or the friend who does drugs and we laugh and enable the behavior by praising their 'ulevi' or even buying it for them.

Most people look at co-dependency as a one sided issue where one person is toxic and childish, but the enabler is also a problem to themselves.

Because these dysfunctions always have consequences.

For example-the more you bail out a sibling from drama that they created, the more they become entitled to your help. So they stop thinking and fixing their shit and just wait for you to swoop in and save them endlessly. With time, it drains you and you resent them.

But since you're addicted to being needed, you will still help.

How to break co-dependency:

1. Learn smart selfishness for very co-dependent people:

'Aki sina hata bob'

'We have not been paid'

'My house is not available for a weed party, my girlfriend will be around,'

2. Learn and practice clear communication.

-I am not in a position to do that.

-I cannot afford that

-I am not available

-I charge for this service

3. Practice self love-sinking in debt to save others is self hate. Jipende kwanza. A dramatic partner stagnates all your dreams and goals. Resist the urge to save them and cut them off

4. Drop your attachment to certain outcomes. Si lazima mtoto akuwe Daktari. It's not a must your husband stops sleeping around, focus on self compassion-not fixing others.

5. Understand unconditional love by practicing it on self first. Find out when you are being used and refuse to join people in wrecking yourself. Be okay with being ostracized and called 'the bad one'

The bad one often means you have risen above narcissistic manipulation and chosen yourself.