Boundary Setting

Another issue that I constantly handle in the communities is boundary violation or lack of boundaries.(Also a fruit of co-dependency)

Over time, I've come to realize that majority of the generation before us didn't really understand boundaries and the sovereignty of their children.

As in their parenting style was:

"You will act as I want because I gave birth to you,"

I remember love letters from random boys being intercepted and read by parents and teachers in my teenage days.

Then we'd get lectures for being written to...something we didn't have control over.

Some people shared that they had letters read at school assembly, followed by a lot of bullying and jeering. Gross boundary violations normalized. Actually Posta Kenya had grounds to sue these teachers.

I also remember having journals read at home in teenage. It never seemed like much of an issue.

Until in adulthood the issue extended to people opening letters from TSC (my then employer). I was appalled at the sibling sent to fetch these letters. I always wondered,

Why not bring my employer's letter to me..the employee and addressee?

(See how lack of boundaries as a parent pits your children against one another?)

Or getting a certain cousin who works in a certain bank to snoop and report about your finances.

And I started thinking, some of these things are not even legal. The only reason the people doing it aren't facing consequences is because they have religious and cultural backup programs to justify their bad behavior.

Dear modern day parent, always remember this...no matter how many stitches you received delivering your child or how many hours you labored-they are a sovereign being.

Not an extension of you, or putty/modelling clay to mold to what pleases you.

One day they will want to be a musician, and you will feel the title Doctor sounds better on them.

Right at this moment, is when you will have to honor their sovereignty as a being. Yes it will be tough, with all the dangers you will be seeing ahead in the risky career path...

Still, these souls know why they are here, and it's not always aligned with your ego-based goals, dreams and aspirations.

Sometimes my daughter chases me from her room nisimuone akivaa, and I leave.

She tells me a secret that I can't tell other people in the room and I keep it.

She stops me halfway through a story and about her and I zip it.

She refuses to take a photo or video and I don't force it.

They are small and seemingly insignificant moves, but I believe they are teaching her about her sovereignty as a being. That what mommy wants is separate from what she wants. And what she wants matters too, and should be honored always.

Also, children who had their boundaries violated countless times are severely codependent as adults.

You will see them lamenting

'Mbona ametublock. Inauma,"

Blocking people is a boundary. Also, unfriending and unfollowing.

Whether or not the boundary is healthy is a topic of later discussion. But if you cannot handle people around you erecting these boundaries, you are the one that's Co-dependent.

Why?

Because you're taking offense in another person's actions and you don't even have facts about their motivation.

Same with these men/women who get into their spouses phones, or have apps to track what the person is doing.

In a secure attachment, you should ask outright questions about your spouse's finances and whereabouts and receive straight answers.

Let's raise a more emotionally secure generation