Notes on Grief; 2

I've seen people asking-why did that lady who lost her son decide what she decided? Where was her support group?

Well, yesterday I experienced something that helped me understand her a little more.

I had an okay evening, I was even making fictional comedy about deleting (adultery)

Then as I took Ayanna to bed and tried to get her to sleep, she saw some photos of my mom on the phone.

She became irrritable about everything. Then later burst out:

"Mom, I miss shosho so much,"

So I held her and we cried. I know she is hurt and there is a lot she doesn't understand. On the day my brother picked us from town-she kept saying.

"I am so excited we are going to see shosho,"

And we were both not even in a position to say anything because it was the morning after the passing and it was a lot to process let alone explain to a child.

So yesterday I told her I miss shosho too, and told her it's okay to cry. We cried and cried. She slept.

I started scrolling through photos, and I saw a receipt from the funeral home.

I looked at it for a long minute and then I texted my friend, at 12.49 am;

"My mother died,"

As if it was fresh news-remember she was with me when it all hapenned.

She called- we spoke about sovereighnty of souls. She told me to find Ayanna's birth certificate. I did.

She gently told me;

"Every sould journey on this plane that starts with that certificate- the birth certificate chooses to do so by its own volition. And when the journey ends, the other document marks it's exit. We have to honor the separateness and sovereignhty of souls and their journey's. It is not easy, but it is doable,"

I thought over those words for a while. Then she told me to take a warm shower, I did. I also did utensils at 1.00am, and mopped the house.

I was a bit calmer at 2.00am when I went to bed.

Grief sometimes sneaks on you during these hours when the world is quiet-I am lucky to have a few people walking through the complexities of this journey.

I am not playing the 'I am strong' game-if I feel vulnerable I speak, I do voicenotes for my therapists and she helps me process and avoid spiraling.

I am allowing my support system to carry me through the tough days.

I hope if you are going through the same, you have people you feel emotionally safe enough to say and feel what you're really feeling.