The Spice of Life

Sometimes I look at the depth of normalized dysfunction in homes and I'm left with massive questions marks. Picture this: You're a first born son. So your parents educate you all the way to the university and you get a great job. Then, you think to yourself, "Well, the next step in progressive life, is getting a family," And you present your long-term girlfriend to the parents. Then trouble begins, When the parents were educating you, they had this unspoken contract with you in their heads-that you would build a home for them and educate the ones behind you. By bringing the wife, they feel you have broken this contract. So first, they threaten to curse you for disobedience. And then they tell you that since you have decided to abandon them and do your 'selfish' things, your wife will be burying children one after another. Then they descend on your wife with hellish levels of hostility. "Huyo hatumtaki hapa kwetu," "Si mzuri," "Ni kichw...

Allow me to let you in on a few secrets about healing the mother wound. First, if you had a complicated relationship with your mother, I want you to understand this: There’s no ‘good’ or ‘evil’ parent in therapy. There is no good or bad parenting. We only have: • Traumatized vs Healed parents • Conscious vs unconscious parenting styles If you look keenly in your family tree, you will notice that the trauma did not start with your mother or father. This means they didn’t just wake up one day and decide they will unleash hellish levels of pain on their children. Like you, they are just victims of someone else’s unconscious parenting. Most spend their lifetimes reacting to their own trauma and acting on the whims of their subconscious minds, which hurts a lot of people in the process. But they are not even being consciously malicious. What is Healing? In therapy, you do not even need to drag anyone into a session with you. For example, last year I went through an 18-day process of healing...

Do you guys remember a story carried by the Standard about I a guy climbing up a high-voltage electrical pole and electrocuting himself? There was also a video with all those people screaming and others telling him to do it and stop stressing them? Now, understand this: 1. Suicide is the epitome of destroying your body- It is the final way to wreck your body permanently. The highest level of self destruction. If you watched that video to the end-his face and body burned almost to a crisp. Why do people choose to destroy their body? Simple-because they have disociated from it-as in something has happened to you and forced you to disconnect from your body. In simple language: Ni kama haurumii mwili wako yani. If someone told you right now to touch a 2000Volt power line, you will wince at the thought because unahurumia mwili wako. (You are integrated with your body-mind and body are on the same page) So another thing about suicide is that the problem does not start a few hours before th...

You know, the more you understand the psychologicy behind family dynamics, the simpler it becomes to watch people act how they do in family setups, and take no offense from it. A parentified child is the one who for some reason had to step in and become a deputy parent. You know that uncle/auntie who is praised because: 'Yeye ndiye alisomesha kila mtu?" Right? The one who built the first house for the parents. Lived with younger siblings as they schooled and looked for their footing in Nairobi for so many years until a point came where it was causing strain between himself and his wife? Yes, that's the parentified child, and also the caretaker in dysfunctional family dynamics. They are programmed in such a way that their loyalty lies with their siblings/parents, and often, this means they do not learn how to be present for their wife/husband and kids. Parentified children believe that if they don't handle everyone and everything-things will fall apart. I watched a very...

  We've had an absolutely amazing ending to our Mental Health Awareness month. Our theme was Healing Childhood Trauma Transformational coach Carolyne Gaithuma spoke about the roles people play in a dysfunctional family setup. She outlined these roles: 1. The Scapegoat-this is the one who gets the blame/ negative energy of the entire family's dysfunction. He/she is the rebel, the black sheep. The scapegoat has been conditioned to think negative attention is better than none-so they act up. 2. The Caretaker: This is the parentified child. The one who fixes all the problem. You know that brother who pays fees for everyone. The one who has stepped into the role of one or both parents because they were absent or aloof. Their role is to hide the family's nakedness by throwing money at it and refusing to let everyone take responsibility for their negative actions. 3. The hero: This is the golden child. The one who gets the A's, gets the perfect job, husband, wife, life etc. H...

Let's talk about triangulation today. Often, when someone offends you continously, you might decide to set up a boundary between yourself and them. For example, maybe you broke up with a man/woman, and you decided to block them on social media because they couldn't respect your choice.  Normal people who have healthy attachment styles always respect boundaries when they go up. So, a normal person will simply unfollow you and respect that they are no longer an insider in your life. But what does a Narcissist do? Well, they will try and violate that boundary. Let me give you examples: 1. You have blocked person A on social media. Now that they cannot access you, they befriend person B who can still access you. So A will be getting a regular supply of screenshots of what you are doing from B, and using them to try and hurt you emotionally. 2. Your boyfriend broke up with you. He has blocked you on all platforms. But since you have an 'urgent' message you need to send them,...

Whenever we say that hitting children is never a good thing...a lot of people respond with. "We must discipline them a little," We hear, you. But consider the two images i've shared below. The first is a child's skull, and the second is an adult's skull. That is how the skull of a toddler looks like. The gaps you can see are called fontanelles. In my language we call it 'ruototia'. I think it is utosi in kiswahili, but I'm not sure. In fact, if you observe the front part of your child's head carefully, you will see a soft spot rising and falling along with the child's heartbeat. Now what most parents dont know, is that the fontanelle (soft spot) runs to the back and the sides of the skull. Remember how you used to say, mtoto hafai kuanguka na kichwa, because atagongwa utosi, akufe? Slapping your child and giving them hard blows to the head can have the exact effect. Sometimes, we tell ourselves that we can 'legeza mkono' when hitting ...

Picture this scenario.   Unawekea mtoto juice/chai kwa kikombe. Mtoto anaishika, unageuka....a minute later, yote iko kwa floor....ama worse, kwa kiti. Unachemka, kwanza. So you yell and then you slap the kid for messing the carpet/seats. ..... Well: The X-ray photo on the right belongs to a child's hand. The one on the left, belongs to a 20 year old. The red spaces on the child's hand is a soft tissue called cartillage. It is not as strong as bones. If you look at the wrist of the child, you can see its all red, meaning the child does not have a wrist bone That's right, your child will develop the full potential to use his or her hand at 20. When your child spills, most of the time it is not out of rudeness, they simply don't have strong bones and the strength to hold things. The same with handwriting. Little kids will have a shaky handwriting until the age of 8 or 9. It is only through exercise and a proper diet that the soft tissue will calcify, and and their fingers...