What Does Parentification Look Like?

You know, the more you understand the psychologicy behind family dynamics, the simpler it becomes to watch people act how they do in family setups, and take no offense from it.

A parentified child is the one who for some reason had to step in and become a deputy parent. You know that uncle/auntie who is praised because:

'Yeye ndiye alisomesha kila mtu?"

Right?

The one who built the first house for the parents.

Lived with younger siblings as they schooled and looked for their footing in Nairobi for so many years until a point came where it was causing strain between himself and his wife?

Yes, that's the parentified child, and also the caretaker in dysfunctional family dynamics.

They are programmed in such a way that their loyalty lies with their siblings/parents, and often, this means they do not learn how to be present for their wife/husband and kids.

Parentified children believe that if they don't handle everyone and everything-things will fall apart.

I watched a very interesting tussle between four parentified men in my family setup last week and all I could think was:

"Oh wow, hugs to all of you,"

Sometimes this "Caretaker" identity is so strong that it has to justify itself every time there is a family crisis that needs strategizing, planning and executing.

Understanding the psychology of the parentified child also helps you see what is actually happening when in an extended family setup, two or more of these kids take each other on, an impasse follows, and everyone else is thrown into confusion because each one of the caretakers wants things done their way.

You sit back and think-

"Well, this is not personal, and none of these people have malice in their hearts-they are all trying to fit into the family role they identify with,even if they don't consciously know it."

I am also a little bit of a parentified child myself-I have lived with sisters at one point or the other throughout my 20s, and sometimes it led to instability and repeated cycles of failing and starting over (because I was nowhere near the emotional or financial stability to parent another young adult). In fact, as recently as this year-I still believed the only way I was of use at home or a good daughter, was if I was helping 'raise' a sibling.

But listen young parents, the older generation might be too set in their ways to understand ways in which parentifying one child hurts them and creates dysfunction in the family setup. But you can understand it and avoid repeating the vicious cycle.

Parentifying a child is forcing them to grow up too early, and take on the financial, emotional and other needs of the family. As you plan and have more kids, please don't do it thinking:

"Wale wakubwa wakisoma watasaidia/watainua wale wadogo."

That's your job, not your child's work-and you're setting up your elder children for failure, stress, dysfunction, addiction, failed marriages, and eventually chronic illness.

How To Recover From Parentification:

1. Admit that this hapenned to you-tell the story without shame.

2.Recognize that the patterns you have aren't your own fault.

3. Set boundaries with the parents and siblings who have been benefiting from your programming at the xpense of your own emotional and financial wellness. As in learn to say "No, I cannot help right now,"

4. Reparent your inner child-that little boy or girl in your subconscious that never had the permission to be a child.

5. Seek therapy and guidance on how to interract with siblings without creating co-dependency or mothering/fathering them. Some of the approaches include:

. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

. Narrative Therapy

. Family therapy

Learning a new way of being that includes prioritizing your needs and those of your spouse/children instead of those of a parent or siblings is not easy at first. But with constant practice, you get there.