Healing the Inner Child-Safety

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What comes to mind when the word safety is mentioned? For me its a secure and threat-free environment where I am 100 percent free to be myself.

Sadly, very few people receive this safety when growing up. Even more sad is the fact that while most African parents are learning the basics of providing physical safety for their kids...the amount of emotional and psychological safety violations hapenning in homes is still appaling.

Check this list and tick which of the situations resonate with your childhood. It might help you figure out why you have such a hard time finding safety and stability within yourself in your adult relationships:

As a Child

1. I was taught that it’s not OK to have my own opinions. (Example-"Nyamaza!! unaongea nikiongea? are you talking back at me?)

2. I was punished when trying to speak up or act differently. ( Example-Drama club haujoin, nimelipa fees usome uende campus, end of discussion)

3. I was discouraged from playing or having fun.(Example-Leo ukienda kucheza ukule huko na ulale huko pia)

4. I wasn't allowed to be spontaneous.(Nimesema tunafuata ile timetable ya chakula, yule hajiskii ahamie kwake akapike kile anataka huko)

5. I wasn't allowed to show strong emotions such as anger or joy.(We ni kijana na unalia ovyo ovyo kama wamama? Ebu ona ule msichana halii,")

6. I was shamed by your parents or family members.(Ona vile umenona. Unaanguka shule ukue kama nani huku?)

7. I was verbally criticized/abused on a regular basis.( Unakuanga na akili timamu wewe? Unaonanga ukibehave aje wewe?")

8. I was physically punished, e.g. smacked, beaten. (You all know slippers, kamba, belt, and spanking chronicles)

9. I was made to feel responsible for my parents and their level of happiness. (Example: unataka nikufe stress ndio maana unapata D kwa shule)

10. I was not given physical affection, e.g. hugs, kisses, cuddles.

When your inner child is battered with all this physical and emotional lack of safety, he/she goes into hiding. As an adult:

a. You will have insecure attachment styles where you avoid deep and meaningful relationships with lovers and even friends.

b. Your conflict resolution skills might involve avoiding the uncomforable or extreme violence.

c.You will have challenges self-regulating and do a lot of impulsive things that could lead to self-harm.

d. You will have a hard time understanding other people's emotional needs.

e. Pricess syndrome- ridiculously high expectations of others you relate with.

Generally, lack of inner safety leaves you with underdeveloped emotional intelligence which can ruin your entire life, work, friendships etc.

Next on: How to reclaim inner child safety

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