What Does Emotional Safety Look Like?

Yesterday we had an awesome emotional safety webinar and as usual, there was so much to learn from Jessica, our therapist. 

Being emotionally safe means that you feel secure enough to express your true self to someone without the fear of abandonment or rejection.

About 95 % of the population, especially women, are thousands of miles away from this state of where they have set themselves free to be their true self in all the attachment relationships they have. 

It is why many dialogues are full of… 

‘Hide my ID…my husband is doing this…I hate his behavior but I can’t tell him because the marriage will end…”

“Hide my ID…I had sex with my cat. But I wouldn’t like the other church members to know”

And other similar stories. 

Of course, like all the other dysfunction around, this lack of emotional safety starts in childhood. 

When I lived in Ruiru-I experienced this interesting ‘friendship’ with a lady who would buy beer and come to drink it in my house. She would tell me that her Christian mother would flip if she found her drinking alcohol. 

But that’s not even the most interesting bit. (Although it means her attachment with her mom was not secure-she had to act a certain inauthentic-pretending she doesn't drink, to keep peace in the home.)

As for me, I had a four-year-old in the house, I didn’t like the day drinking sprees either. But I was so afraid of telling her how I truly felt about the alcohol, because I feared it would have repercussions-abandonment. That, I’d no longer be a ‘good’ friend.

So, I let the person violate my boundaries countless times in the name of accommodating them. 

But, of course, a point came when I was unwell and she suggested and offered me weed to brew and drink. I awkwardly took it and went home with it. As I walked home I was thinking….

“Sasa nikishikwa nayo, and it’s a controlled substance, how would I explain to the cops I got it? What if I get arrested and I am the sole breadwinner for my child?”

And this is the point where I started seeing actual potential consequences of forming insecure attachments with people. I wrapped the bhangi in several bags and put it in the bottom of the main dustbin in our apartment’s basement. 

Then because I still didn’t know I can say no or how to set boundaries, I started traveling a lot and offering apologies for my absence. Which of course the other person in the co-dependent relationship interpreted as a rejection, and created a very interesting short film from it. 

At the same time I’d spend hours giving free ‘healing’ content in the person’s spiritual communities and lied to myself that, “I don’t charge for wisdom,”

Again, out of fear that if I told people what I think my time is worth, I’d not be as likeable. 

Naturally, the more time you spend doing free labor, the less you will have for self-development and soon you start begging for loans to cover your basic bills. (Lack of safety makes you your worst enemy-literary)

But the reason I was people-pleasing during this period of my life was because throughout my childhood, I had never said or done what I actually wanted without facing dire consequences. Emotional abuse, rejection, denial of affection and material things..etc.

So, at some point, I had learned to dissociate from myself and my true needs and just go with what pleases the people in the room to survive. That’s why I was such a codependent adult.

And of course, manipulative people are always very quick to notice when you have these complexes that make you easy to ‘use’. Although at times, even they don’t consciously know they are being malicious.

When you start therapy and start coming out of the subconscious patterns, the first people you cut off by setting boundaries and saying no, are these manipulators…whether they are ‘besties’, ‘boyfriends’, or whoever else. 

Because any healing process that is worth looking into starts with making you your own best friend, your best representative